Paris By Night
If I Were A Man
Trust Me
Le Jazz Hot
Paris Makes Me Horny
Crazy World
King's Dilemma
You And Me
Almost A love Song
Chicago, Illinois
Living In The Shadows
Living In The Shadows (Reprise)





Paris By Night  [ Top ]
Nowhere I know, no matter where I go
Seduces men like Paris does, a mess
The streets of Pigalle, le bars of Les Halles
The groceries and cafes at Montparnasse
The cabarets and bistros where the writer or artist goes
Are as much a part of Paris as La Tour Eiffel
The restaurants for purist
The nightclubs for the tourists
We have those in abundance as well
Paris can be a dangerous affair
She offers much more follies as The Folies Bergeres
For she's sophistication  plus some higher education
The smartest set can't wait to step this way
But here at Club Chez Lui
As you're all about to see
We'll tell you straight
Why gay Paree is gay...
Paris by night... Paris la nuit...
Seduces us in ways we don't expect to be
She has magic from which in a Houdini  can't be free
'Cause Paris by night has mystery
That's hauted us and taunted us through history
Shady secrets, she has all to all where  we long to share
That's why it is, I guess, we all adore her
And hunger to explore her hidden charms
She fools us all, because she's so capricious
But nothing's more delicious than the sleep in her arms
For Paris by night, it's the only way
To realize that all in all it's night time not the day
That sets 'er apart, wins every heart
And makes all our dreams take flight
There's no dream you can't find in Paris...
Paree by night!
That's why it is, I guess, we all adore her
And hunger to explore her hidden charms
She fools us all, because she's so capricious
But nothing's more delicious than the sleep in her arms
But Paris by night you can't condemn
They say she's really at her best from two to six a.m.
C'est vrais, she's sublime!
Night time's the time
When all of our dreams take flight
There's no dream you can't find in Paris...
Paree by night!
[CHEERS]

Toddy
Ah, thank you, thank you! You're most kind...In fact, you're every kind!
[To Richard]
You know, you should be ashamed of yourself bringing your old mother to
a place like this!

Woman
Up yours, Cheri!

Henri
Stop, wait, please! Toddy apologize at once!

Toddy
Why isn't she his mother?

Woman
We are leaving!

Henri
I'm warning you, Toddy, if you do that again, I will fire you in spite 
of your "body old".


If I Were A Man  [ Top ]

Victoria
Well, I guess I can relay to that, I mean honestly there have been times
in my life when I wished I were a man!

Toddy
Why, for heaven's sake?

Victoria
Oh, that's easy...
If I were a man
I could do a lot of things a woman never can

Toddy
Like what, for example?

Victoria
To be free to plot and plan
Free to live my life
Without permission
from a man
Men assumes that the world is tailored made for him
Which it is!
He presumes that the world indulges every whim
If it's his!
What a fabulous pursuit
Hands in pockets, running things
I must say it appeals
In my hundred-dollar suit
Toying with my golden fob-watch
As I make my deals
Lucky man who is not meant to fell
Like an also-ran
What a lovely life to plan
If I were a man
I would build all the tallest buildings
Reaching up to the sky
I'd explore every far off land
And I would learn how to fly
What a triumph it would be
Doing what the fellas do but better
And with style
It would be just my cup-of-tea
they will all be furious
And I would simply smile
As a man I would not mean to feel like an also-ran
Though I know I never can...Ever ... be a man
Oh, the life that I would plan
If I were a man.


Trust Me  [ Top ]

Toddy
My God!

Victoria
What's wrong?

Toddy
Victoria, I've just had the most incredible idea!

Victoria
Oh!

Toddy
You said you wanted to be a man...

Victoria
No, no, no...I said there were times when I felt like being one...

Toddy
Well, here's your chance... What an inspiration! Europe's greatest
female impersonator!

Victoria
Who?

Toddy
You!

Victoria
Me?

Toddy
You'll be a star
You'll be bigger than Garbo and Dietrich by far, trust me!

Victoria
Oh, come on!

Toddy
Yeah, if fate is kind, you could be -------- and Chevalier combined,
Trust me!

Victoria
Ah, ah, ah,ah...Sure?

Toddy
That trick for a drag-queen
Is trying to act like a woman which very few can
But the fact is a drag-queen's a man!

Victoria
So, what are you saying?

Toddy
You're...not a man...

Victoria
I noticed!

Toddy
You're a woman they'll think is a man, what a plan!

Victoria
Toddy!

Toddy
Trust me!

Victoria
Toddy, this is crazy!

Toddy
Now, being a girl...

Victoria
Hum...

Toddy
They all think is a man sets their minds in a whirl...

Victoria
Mine too!

Toddy
Trust me!
All you have to do for the dream to come true
Is go out there and be what you are...
And we'll make you a world's famous star!

Victoria
Ho, ho, ho...You're delirious!

Toddy
Lower your voice!

Victoria
Toddy!

Toddy
Lower!

Victoria
Toddy!

Toddy
Caruso, not Chaliapin!

Victoria
Toddy, if you don't get back into bed, I'll tell...

Toddy
God, when you get angry it drops naturally!
Look, you don't have to do anything new
Simply do what you do and you're you!

Victoria
I don't do that!

Toddy
And the audience won't have a clue, it's true!
So for your plan...

Victoria
My plan?

Toddy
To succeed, and it can, they must think you're a man
Trust me! Trust me!
If you're a man...

Victoria
Which I'm not!

Toddy
You'll be the greatest star since show business began
Trust me!

Victoria
You're one!

Toddy
Trust me!

Victoria
No..ah,ah,ah!

Toddy
The beauty of this is like all great ideas,
It's as simple as simple can be!

Victoria
It's simpler than what?

Toddy
And we'll have each other to thank

Victoria
For what?

Toddy
For the penthouse at the George -----

Victoria
Oh, that?

Toddy
It's a free ride to the bank!

Victoria
The left bank!

Toddy
But if you trust me...

Victoria
Should I?

Toddy
Trust me!

Victoria
Could I?

Toddy
Trust me!
Victoria, it'll work!

Victoria
Toddy, it will not!

Toddy
People believe what they see, and tomorrow afternoon Andre Cassel is
going to meet  Europe's greatest female impersonator...

Victoria
But Andre Cassel is the biggest agent in Paris. If I'm the greatest, how
come he's never heard of me?

Toddy
You're the greatest, but you're unknown outside Poland!

Victoria
Poland?

Toddy
You're Count Victor Grazinsky, a Polish aristocrat. Your family
disinherited you when they discovered you are gay. We met in Warsaw and
fell in love and I brought you to Paris!

Victoria
Oh, this is all very clear now...This cannot fail!

Toddy
I agree!

Victoria
To get both of us dumped in some grin Paris jail, Toddy, trust me!

Toddy
But...

Victoria
Victoria Grant's gotta a much better chance -------------

Toddy
My proposal is not that bizarre

Victoria
Yes, it is!

Toddy
At Cassel's you'll become a huge star!

Victoria
Toddy!

Toddy
It's about when they think that you are

Victoria
Now, hold it!

Toddy
What's wrong?

Victoria
What's wrong? What's right?
A woman impersonating a man impersonating a woman?

Toddy
Darling, to convince an audience an audience that an illusion is real,
the magician creates a plausible diversion, Count Grazinsky is a
plausible diversion!

Victoria
No audience is that gullible! I mean, they'll know he's a phony!

Toddy
Exactly!

Victoria
What?

Toddy
They'll know HE'S a phony...
Trust me!


Le Jazz Hot  [ Top ]

M.C.
Ladies and Gentlemen, meine Damen und Herren, Madames and Monsieurs. 
It's with great pleasure that I introduce to you one of the most
sensational true unique talent of this century, the one and only:
Victor!

Male Singer
'Bout twenty years ago way down in New Orleans
A group o'fellas found a new kind of music
And they decided to call it...

All
Jazz!

Male Singer
No other sound had what this music has
Before they new it, it was risen 'round the world
The world was ready for a ... new kind of music
And now they play it from Steamboat Springs to La Paz
There is a story that began in New Orleans
About this lady who discovered this music
She fell completely in love with...

All
Jazz!

Male Singer
No one has loved it like this lady has
This date away the lady traveled 'round the world
You only see her where they're playing this music
That's why they've seen her from Steamboat Springs to La Paz
Jazz has an escort to give her jazz much jazz...

Victor
Oh, baby, won't you play me
Le Jazz Hot maybe
And don't ever let it end
I'll tell your friends it's really something to hear
I can't sit still when there's that rhythm near me...
Also, baby, Le Jazz Hot maybe
Was holding my soul together.
Don't know whether it's morning or night
Only know it sounding right
So come on in and play me
Le Jazz Hot maybe
'Cause I love my Jazz...
Hot!

All
Before they knew it, it was risen 'round the world
The world was ready for a new kind of music

Victor
And now they play it from Steamboat Springs to La Paz!

All
Won't you play me ...
Jazz hot, baby...
Don't...let...it...end!

Victor
I'll tell your friends it's really something to...

All
I'll tell your friends it's really something to...
Hear!

Victor
I can't sit still when there's that...

All
Rhythm near me!

Victor
'Cause I love my Jazz...Hot!
When you play me Le Jazz Hot, baby
You're holding my soul together

All
Don't know whether it's morning or night
Only know its sounding right

Victor
So come on in and play me
Le Jazz Hot, baby
'Cause I love my Jazz Hot
Love...Jazz...
Hooooooooooooooooooot!
Le Jazz Hot!


Paris Makes Me Horny  [ Top ]

Norma
Pookieeeeeeeeeeee!

King
Yeah!

Norma
Hurry up!

King
What's the rush?

Norma
You know what they say, when in Paris...

King
It's when in Rome!

Norma
No, Rome makes me hungry...Paris makes me...hum...horny!
Rome maybe hot, sexy it is not!
Paris is so sexy ridin' in a taxi
Gives me apoplexy
Been to Lisbon and Lisbon is a has-been
Slept in Stockholm and brought a lot of slug home
Also Oslo, and Oslo really  was slow
Paris makes me horny
It's not like "Californy"
Paris is so dizzy-jack
It's such an aphrodisiac oooooh!
It's true Paris thrills me
When I see the Eiffel Tower
I have to go and take a shower, it's true...I do!
Paris...kills me
And it makes me sexy...
As for Madrid, save it for else sad
Dining at the Lido looses my libido
Like a big torpedo
Seen Geneva, it's hardly jungle fever
Been to Bussels could use some red corpuscles
Tried Toronto, departed "molto pronto"
Paris makes me tingle
Makes me glad and single
London's OK, if it's for one day
Oh, but Paris makes me sexy
In this solar plexy
What's the matter, you're still thinking about the Count?
Been to Munich, where every guys are unique
Been to Dublin, think I need settling and bubbling
Hate Helsinki, the things are kind of kinky
But Paris...my ...ah, ah, ah! Paris!
Oh, yeah! Paris makes me... oh,  oh, oh...Puky!


Crazy World  [ Top ]
Crazy world
Full of crazy contradictions
Like a child
First you drive me wild
And then you win my heart
With your wicked art
One minute tender, gentle,
Then temperamental as a summer storm
Just when I believe your heart's getting warmer
You're cold and you're cruel
And I'm like a fool trying to cope
Trying to hang on to hope...
Crazy world
Everyday the same old road across to ride
But I've got my pride
I won't give in
Eventhough I know I'll never win
Oh, how I love this
Crazy world
But I've got my pride
I won't give in
Eventhough I know I'll never win
Oh, how I love this
Crazy World!


King's Dilemma  [ Top ]
I'm gonna have dinner with her, with him, tonight
So, what's the big deal, it's not a big deal, all right, all right!
So why am I shy as a spotted faced kid in a high-school prom?
Why?  I'll tell you why...It's because I don't know
Where this crazy dame, this Victor guy, is coming from!
That's why!
I am a guy who knows himself so I really don't give a damn
I'd never be in love with a man, but what if I am?            
I mean me...Ah! Gay...ah!  
I know I'm not, what's the problem I've got
And why do I feel this way?
The only logical answer is...that he's a dame!
I know that I'm right, I can tell from the way that I feel, yeah!
So maybe the way to play it is to go on with the game!
If for some damn reason I'm wrong
Is it such a big deal? Yeah!
I've never been wrong about dames, not once in my life
If I had been weak in bed, I'd be stuck with a wife!
But not me...Not King
My life has been one sweet perpetual fling
I've played so many games
Fan the flames with lots of dames
And I've landed the blame for each dame who claims
I've tricked her...
But now at last I'm in love for Victor
Maybe I should see a doctor
Work and talk to other ladies
Till they get me out of town
Maybe take a long vacation with some appetizing chick
To lift me up when I am down
Or maybe I should face the music
Give up dames like Mame and Margo
Take aboard this strange new cargo
Did a fellow fancy in Largo
I'll take Victor to Chicago and see what happens then
When I'm out with him at eight or ten
Of the world's no question
Most of noxious man, ha, ha, ha!
I'd like you to meet my beautiful boy-friend Victor
How it would sound down at the States?
How would it look out of the waste
I can just see out of the ball park Tony Palermo give the eye
When I waltz in with a guy!
Of all God's gorgeous creatures who playtime with my libido
I have to pick the queen of drag who dresses in a tuxedo
I'd like you to meet my lover, not Norma, Victor!
What would they think out of the gulf club?
What would they say down at the nightclub?
Here's what they'd say at Guido's Steakhouse
The moment we're seen
"Hey, you guys know that King Marchand is a queen?"
It's a trick and trap, I'm not taking the rap
For a crime I didn't do
I've gotta make certain that he is a she...
And if I don't want my nightmares to end up true
There's only one way to find out for sure
But I haven't got the guts...Or have I?
If I'm right, I'll throw a party tonight...
If I'm wrong, I think I'll die!
Oh, yes, I guess I gotta do it
Hell, there isn't much to it
I sit here one more minute
Letting time roll by
I need to put an end to all this how and why!
I need to know like both guys need an alibi
I'll go myself...I just can't ask a private eye
Is the girl I'm in love with...
A guy???


You And Me  [ Top ]

Victor and Toddy
You and me
We're the kind of people other people
Would like to be...

Toddy
A little strolling?

Victor
Why not!

Both
Wandering free
We present the kind of picture
People are glad to see
And we don't care that tomorrow
Comes with no guarantee
We've each other for company
And come what may
You and me will stay together
Year after year
Won't we, my dear?
That's why you and...

Victor
Me!

Toddy
Walk this way

Victor
Oh!

Toddy
I taught him everything he knows

Victor
And that's why he has so little left, oh!

Toddy
I'll get you for that

Victor
[whistling]

Toddy
Oh, I love this guy!

Victor
Out!

Toddy
Careful now!

Victor
Humm...

Toddy
Twice

Both
Ah...Ah!

Toddy
I can fool you...

Victor
No, you can't!
Watch, Toddy!
Humm...oom...
Dah dam dah dah!

Toddy
You're on your own, kid!

Victor
What! What! Oh, Toddy!
Humm...oom...

Both
And come what may
You and me will stay together
Year after year
Won't we my dear
We'll always be you and me...
We'll always be you ...
And...
Me!


Almost A Love Song  [ Top ]

Victor
So, what do we do?

King
You want me to be honest?

Victor
Always!

King
I could never live with you this way.

Victor
Because you are frightened that people will think that you're in love
with a man?

King
Right!

Victoria
So we have a problem...

King
I guess we have!

Victoria
What we have here is almost a love song
I'm perfect for you , you're perfect for me
Everything they sing about  we have in perfusion
And the same sense of humor about is more than mere illusion

King
So why are we almost a love song?
Why aren't we the song of the year?  Does the moment go by?

Victoria
Are we frightened to try?

King
If we are...more's the pity...

Victoria
Oh, the idea seems so pretty...to be almost a love song

King
You're only a love song

Both
So where is my love song my dear, my dear!

Victoria
Seriously, maybe it's for the best, sooner or later I'd probably ask you
to stop being a gangster, because I was worried about everybody thinking
that I was your mole.

King
I'm not a gangster, I'm a businessman!

Victoria
A business doing business with gangsters claiming he's not a gangster;
sounds a lot like the kind of act I do! I think we're both pretenders
and I guess this is not a really good basis for a relationship, but it
was fine while it lasted...
[she leaves].

King
One thing is clear

Victoria
It's clear

King
We're almost a love song

Victoria
We're almost a love song

King
She's so good for me

Victoria
I'm no good for him

King
I'm no good for her

Victoria
He's so good for me...I imagine somebody...

King
I saw someone...

Victoria
Who looks at things my way

King
Who looks at things on my way

Victoria
Whatever the weather

King
Whatever the weather

Both
The two of us should be together

Victoria
So, why are we almost a love song

King
Are we a love song

Victoria
Instead of the solo of the year

King
But I fault for my fear ... Will the moment go by?

Victoria
Will I lose him for we're frightened to try?

King
We're so frightened to try...if I do...

Victor
If I am...

Both
Then it's tragic if (he) you and I have to watch magic

Victoria
To be almost a love song ...You're only a love song...

Both
So, where is our love song, my dear?


Chicago, Illinois  [ Top ]

Norma
Trendy travelers tend to talk
Of London, Paris, Rome, New York
Like only they were stylish and unique...
But out in the Midwest
Is the city I love the best
A town so smart,
Its spelling stars with: C-H-I-C...Chic!
Chicago, Illinois is like a shiny toy
The Prarie State is proud to say
That it's its pride and joy
The Windy City sweeps and cleans up your feet...POW!
Its charm is complete...POW!
They're knockin' you flat, this way and that
On every downtown street...POW!
The White Sox and the Cubs
And all those partying clubs
Make living here a pretty nifty ploy
Smack on the lake, this is the report!
Someday, they say, we'll have an airport!
When they say: hey, I'm from Chi,
They mean Chicago, Illi...nois!
[Speaking] Not Detroit, not Des Moines, not even Pittsburgh!
Poo poo pee doo...Poo pee doo pow![Cheers]
When they say: Hey, I'm from Chi,
They mean Chicago, Illinois!

Chorus
Chicago, Illinois is like a shiny toy
The Prarie State is proud to say that it's its pride and joy
The Windy City sweeps and clean up your feet
Its charm is complete
They're knockin' you flat, this way and that
On every downtown street
Oh...Wow...Wow! Humm...Humm...Ooh...Ooh!
The White Sox and the Cubs
And all those partying clubs
Make living here a pretty nifty ploy
Smack on the lake, this is the report
Someday, they say, we'll have an airport
When they say: hey, I'm from Chi...
They mean Chicago, Illi...
Chicago is the killer...
They mean Chicago, Illi...
C-H-I-G-A-G-OOOOOOOOOOOO, Illinois, Wow!


Living In The Shadows  [ Top ]
Living in the shadows
Hiding in the sunlight
Hiding from the one light that might help to guide you
Hiding from tomorrow
Hiding from the day
Only brings you sorrow
That won't go away
Wandering in the darkness
Living every midnight
Doesn't ever rid night of nightmares as love might
Life is full of dangers
Strangers every turn
Living in the shadows
That's no way to learn...
The more you learn
The more you seek
The more you find
The more you care
The more the world is kind
One thing I can tell you
Life should be your lover
Help you to discover your reason for being
Soon you will be seeing
What you're all about
Living in the shadows
You'll never find out
Living in the shadows
I'll never find out...


Living In The Shadows (Reprise)  [ Top ]

King
Good to see you, Sal. What brings you to Paris?

Sal
Fairy tales!

King
and somebody called?

Norma
There he is, the Count! And he's Mr. Tod, the Count's former lover, you
know? You want the truth, ask the count!

Sal
You ask him...

Norma
I already know the answer.

Sal
Norma!

Norma
Are you King's lover?

King
I love him very much!

Norma
Oh, God!

Sal
I'm gonna throw up!
Here, sign this... Since that I don't like being in business with homos,
I'm buying you out!

Victoria
Oh, darling, don't do it!

King
Ok, sweetheart!

Sal
Jesus, King, That's disgusting!

Victoria
[Pushing Norma]
That's it!

Norma
Take your hands off me!

Victoria
Go on, go on upstairs on the bed!

Norma
Wait! Lock the door...

Victor
I've got a surprise for you...Tah taaah!

Norma
[Screams]
You no good two-timing son of a bitch...He's a woman!

Victor
Yes, yes
Yes...
The more I leer
The more I seek
The more I find
The more I care
The more the world is kind
One thing I can tell you
Life should be your lover
Help you to discover your reason for being
Soon you will be seeing
What you're all about
Living in the shadows
You'll never find out
Push away the shadows
The sun will come out!

---